Welcome to Richmond

2006-08-13T13:57:00.000-04:00

If you have to ask, then you wouldn't understand. Wow, why is that so small? Whatever. I'll post the cover to issue 1 sometime later. (Technically it's issue 2, but I didn't like the first one, so I'm deleting it from existence.)

2006-02-26T17:37:00.000-05:00

Sally and the Swamp Thing!

Click as always, to see in full grayscale glory. And don't forget there's another post below this, displaying my madde skyllz with stencils. If you're lucky, there'll be more comics on the way later.

2006-02-26T16:44:00.000-05:00

REMEMBER THE BEARS

I guess no one outside of Richmond would know this, but I figured I'd post it anyways. Okay, so there's a bear exhibit at Maymont. (It's a nice place.) They've got free reign around a pond, rocs, trees, whatever. There are two bears inside, separated from the public by a 10 foot (8 foot?) chain link fence, as well as a wooden fence in front of that. It's been there about 25 years, and there have been no accidents. (The current bears have been there for like, 6 years.) A few days ago, a four year old managed to get past the wooden fence. The parents were obviously doing something more important than watching the little tyke around two freaking BEARS. So he sticks his hand in the chain-link fence, (he'd just eaten an apple, so a bear picked up the scent) and -surprise!- he get's bitten. Just enough to break the skin, he didn't even need stitches. They weren't sure which bear did it, so they had to kill both of them in order to run the proper rabies tests. Lemme be clear- I don't blame the staff of Maymont in any way. They did what they had to do, according to protocol. The parents, on the other hand. . . Eh, I've ranted enough . The point is, those bears got a raw deal here, and I feel for them. (Even though they're dead.)

So, I turned an old picture of one into a stencil. (freehand) I haven't really done any spraypainting before, so this first one came out pretty bad. If you want to see some actually GOOD stuff, try http://banksy.co.uk . COmic goes up as soon as I scan it.

2006-02-25T19:03:00.000-05:00

New things go up later today! Month long haitus= necessary, trust me.

2006-01-28T14:46:00.000-05:00

Last one, I promise.

I need to stop this. But as long as I'm not, I wouldn't mind some C & C. ::puppy eyes::

2006-01-26T20:45:00.000-05:00

This will consume me

Praise the lord for the Opacity tool. This is the first thing I've ever succesfully colored on the computer. I might do some color comics, but don't get your hopes up. Oh, and BB=Bug Boy, or possiblly Bigfoot Bug.

2006-01-26T14:34:00.000-05:00

FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON WHATSOEVER

I can't do anything but draw these bug things. Seriously. I blame Creature Tech. I have Interesting Things to Say, but I don't want to say em below a quickie sketch. Nope, this is just too special.

2006-01-21T15:40:00.000-05:00

Everyone knows it's Windyyy!

Midterms! Whooo! Half Days filled with horrible cranial beatings! Caramel!

2005-12-25T18:02:00.000-05:00

The Writertron 800= Tough Decisions

I have an excuse. A good one. Seriously. Go drown in egg-nog. I'm gonna make some banners now. . . You can't have one.

2005-12-18T23:12:00.000-05:00

I couldn't have been a better person

Freestyle!

2005-12-08T20:08:00.000-05:00

3 o'clock is the way God intended things

*Scanner status: dread zombie creature from beyond the grave. And I guess I imagine god as a large lizard wearing aviators. And a moustache. The more you know. . .

New personal philosophy: EVERY TIME IS HAMMERTIME.

. . .

HAMMERTIME!

2005-12-01T20:08:00.000-05:00

R. I. P.- my scanner, you have served me well in this glorious revolution of the webcomicry. And now plastic soldier, go to your eternal reward.

--moment of silence--

Hey, look! It's working aga- wait. . .wait. . . umm. . . hold on. . . crap. Okay. Nevermind. WORK DAMN YOU WORK!!

(technical difficulties)

2005-11-30T19:44:00.000-05:00

Jack London was a gangster

*My leg hurts.

. . .

I'm going to bed.

(I may have found a printer for shirts. So, y'know, start saving up. Pink and rainbow on a light brown t-shirt/hoodie)

2005-11-29T16:54:00.000-05:00

Breaking News: Irony Gun Continues to do Ironic things
Experts baffled

*Doing a daily comic actually seems to be easier than a bi-monthly one. Once you get rid of the humor and quality, it's pretty much cake. And if one more person asks me about that Walrus-molestation-Unicorn comic, I am going to be miffed. Miffed. Then I'll do it, because I have no spine.

And if you would consider buying a shirt with a pink AK-47 shooting rainbows, y'know, tell me. I need some cash for my operation, and gills don't come cheap.

2005-11-28T17:49:00.000-05:00

The Irony Gun does the opposite of what you expect a gun to do

*So that's what color looks like. Huh.

2005-11-27T16:45:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is the holiday when I don't do crap

*There are very few things that piss me off more than people blathering on about how Thanksgiving is a celebration about killing Native Americans(politically correct). I mean, it is, but I don't need to know about it while I'm eating. Seriously. Freaking hippies.

Still blaming the Puritans- Jonathan Superfly McTango

2005-11-23T17:40:00.000-05:00

Fine! You're the Girl Anachronism!

*It is a good song I think! By an odd, odd band. I call the other guy in the comic, "I can't draw hair at all" guy. Maybe he is a superhero? (He isn't) I keep neglecting drawing the Peter and Akbar comics, whenever anyone reads them they give me an odd look and ask me who that is. If you don't love comics about obscurely famous Eurasian rulers, then get the hell out of my country. (The Independent Nation of AWESOME. They don't like to talk about us much. . . )

2005-11-22T18:34:00.000-05:00

I should not be allowed to do this.

*Bleh. Finally, a comic strip with Peter I and Akbar the Great. One is insanely enlightened, the other a party animal! Both: moustaches. This is a true story. No one thinks that putting great rulers of the 16th and 17th centuries together in college is a good idea. I know better though. I think my audience is mature enough to understand the new, smart humor in WTR. Tomorrow's possible comic= Public Walrus Molestation: Like 5 people know what I'm talking about(Unicorn's Perspective)

Oh, and the comment button isn't going to give you web-cancer or anything. Seriously.

2005-11-21T17:07:00.000-05:00

Uuugh, labels.

*I'll probably do more of these at some point. I think I ended up having too much fun writing this, so I didn't finish the comic that was originally supposed to go up today. THIS IS OKAY. Don't judge me whitey. Oh, and that song in the last panel is "Martian Girl" by the Aquabats.

So you accidentally punched the president in the stomach

Lucky you. You had an invite to the election day party for the Republican candidate. Just as the news channel was beginning to announce the ballots, your friend George joked you about your new girlfriend. You drunkenly swung at him, but he easily jumped aside. You didn't notice this. You felt contact and started lauging as the victim fell to the floor. On the news, they announced he new president of the United States to be your host. The man in fetal position at your feet weakly whispered "hooray", and then passed out. Someone half-heartedly uncorked a bottle of champagnem, the fizzy spray dripping on the newly elected president of the United Sates.

Sure, you'll have to move to Colombia to escape the death penalty for treason, but you just sucker-punched the most powerful man in the world! Pat yourself on the back!

Then run.

2005-11-19T22:41:00.000-05:00

I do not like Scientology

*I know I spelled it "Rsychic". I meant to. I'm creating a new language. Sorry if your mind got blown.(not really)

So the apocalypse is coming and it's all your fault.

It was just an accident. You didn't know the tenth forbidden incantion of the tome of Al'Shaggarath would bring the hellbeasts to the East Coast. You just thought it was a party game. (You were pretty drunk.) Oh well. Go home and check on your dog. He'll have changed into a maggot infested, 10 foot tall monster by now, but be sure to fill his water bowl anyways. Call all your exes up. Tell them all the horrible things you did during the relationships. (Just make stuff up if you don't have anything.) Pick a fight with a very large man. (And 4 of his friends)Oh, it wasn't the apocalypse after all. Tough luck.

2005-11-18T22:15:00.000-05:00

Yeah she has that hat

This was drawn a while ago. Just as I was gettin around to inkin it, it gets thrown in the trash, and covered in overripe squash. (It could happen to anyone. IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU) It probably came out better after I traced it anyways I guess. I figure I'll continue with one comic a day until I can't comic anymore. THIS WILL BREAK ME. No advice today, so if you are thrown into a compromising situation today, just be cool and ask yourself; What would Akbar the Great do? I'll tell you what. He'd think up a genius religious system thousands of years before his time. Then shoot lasers out of his eyes. Akbar the Great was awesome.

2005-11-17T18:27:00.000-05:00

I am so sorry about this Marshall

*Wow, a comic that more than 5 people might get! I had some kind of crazy twitch that day, and various people assumed I was hitting on them! Winking is entirely too suggestive. Winking with a single raised eyebrow? DISASTROUS.

So you got caught.

You knew this day would come. You’ve been on the run for 17 years, but your past caught up at last. Your maid, Juanita, opens the door slowly, just as she always did, but there’s something different about her. She pulls a handgun from her blouse, and points it at you with practiced efficiency.
“So it was you, Juanita.” Say it nonchalantly. Make her think this doesn’t matter to you, they don’t have enough evidence to make this stick.
“It had to end one day. You knew that as well as I.” Her gun hand doesn’t waver. She’s a professional. “I have the documents. There’s no worming your way out of this.”
“You did your homework! What are they paying you?” She expected this, but offer an alternate sum anyways. She’s barely fazed, but you still have a chance, remember that. Hum Birdland. This is her song.
“Don’t. . .” She’ll say, but you see she’s weakening. Take the chance: Jump into your moat from the window. She won’t try to stop you. (Blow her a kiss if you’re debonair enough.)

You’ve evaded them for another day. Congratulations! Grow a moustache and buy a mansion in Russia.

2005-11-16T22:06:00.000-05:00

Revenge of the Mutant Fruit

*Two updates in two days? I'm on a roll at the expense of all other aspects of my life! Go me! If you don't know what Craisins are, or you're Australian, they are like raisins, except instead of grapes, they use cranberries. From now on, all my food must be a culinary mutant. I'm going to write this down. I wonder what happened to the California Raisins? Maybe they would have been more popular if they hadn't resembled ambulatory mounds of crap that played jazz.

So your boss overheard you.

You’ll be at lunch, talking to your coworkers about your overbearing boss. Someone will do an unflattering impression. You’ll laugh mockingly, and chorus “Totally” with your coworkers. You voice your opinions: he’s brain damaged, a closet case, a ruffian, and possibly a vagabond. As you tell them how moronic the company policy is, they’ll stare over your shoulder, expressions frozen in alarm.

You would normally continue on, without missing a beat, “And he’s standing right behind me.” DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Turn around and greet your enraged boss warmly. Invite him to join you for lunch. He will decline stiffly, but press him into it. Tell him about the crepes you brought for everyone. (This is his weakness.) When he sits down, pull out the list of 172 Things Wrong With My Boss that you prepared last night. Whip out the reading glasses, even if you don’t need them, and begin narrating your list, pausing to offer your boss the crepes at number 19. End with a quip involving his mother.

You will get a promotion.

2005-11-13T18:57:00.000-05:00

Last Days of the Patrianarchy

*Disclaimer: Do not be offended after reading this if you are an XX. The people who should be offended will be notified later on. Happy Egg-Nog Month!

So you lost the will to live even though you have 5 million dollars.

You were dangling upside down from a cloaked helicopter when you began to think. As you sent the gold to your partner, to be melted down and transported across the border, you pondered the meaning of life. You were depressed all through the heist after-part, nursing an expensive red as your partners bragged about their newfound wealth. Food loses it’s flavor, each bite only serving to perpetuate the ties between you and your physical body.

Dial a suicide hotline. A girl named Carol will answer. She’s about your age, and wracked with grief over losing her last caller. You’ll feel an immediate connection, and talk for hours on the phone. Agree to meet at a fancy Chinese place. She orders the shrimp, and you fall in love with her. On the second date you meet at a café, and accidentally tip the waiter with a hundred. She asks about the money. You should avoid answering for another two months, but admit your crimes to her after the police search your home.

She breaks into tears, and confesses to her past as a jewel thief. (She ended it when one of her partners betrayed her to the cops.) She’s been on the run ever since, and joined the suicide hotline to give back to the world. Donate all the money to charity and run off to live together in Brazil.

You'll die of a baboon mauling 20 years later, but be cool about it. They are endangered.

2005-11-03T23:46:00.000-05:00

Man, so I see this baby. I walk up to it, friendly-like, just trying to make small talk. And while I'm talking, he's just staring at me, with those soulless little eyes. Finally, I realize that this baby cannot talk. What the hell!? In my day, a toothless blind man with a helper monkey taught you how to speak English. Ah yes, I remember those hot summer days, standing in the middle of the street, shouting out my ABC's with a small primate on my back, hammering in every letter with a wooden coat-hanger to my head. I fondly remember going back to that blind man's shack in Central Virginia and rearranging his furniture. Later, I paid an inebriated Dutch sailor tuppence to rough up that thrice-accursed monkey. Then I realized that monkeys probably do not live that long anyways, and I felt kind of bad for doing horrible things to a blind guy. Then I had some jello and someone yelled at me for arguing with a baby.

Comic later!

2005-10-04T17:31:00.000-04:00

51/\/\14\

Classmate Elvis! Need a random character to fill up space? Classmate Elvis! A priest/rabbi in Vegas? Classmate Elvis! A disturbing birthday party for a 6 year old? Classmate Elvis!

This will undoubtedly be the first in a long series of thinly veiled rip-offs of other comics. Today's unconsenting guest is Rob and Elliot! It is a comic that will make you happy and want to dance to Queen underneath the rainbows! It reminds me of Caffeinated Swedish Fish Flavor Cluster Death Bombs which is a delicious candy that mostly does not exist. It lmost takes my mind off of the Decemberists concert in DC that I missed by one day. I have a curse that only allows me to find out when cool things happen the exact day after. Help me fight this crippling magic by commenting and making me feel like a special boy.

Linktastic!

2005-09-28T19:58:00.000-04:00

This is not an accurate depiction of a Green Day fan. A true fan wouldn't say excuse me, they'd just grunt and try not to trip over their pant's legs.

Alternative Joke:

Their trousers are obscenely large and have to many zippers on them. You've just been served.

Alternative Joke:

Dang, if Green Day were 10 years older, they could have become classic rock.

*Shudder*

2005-09-17T03:22:00.000-04:00

Based on a true story. Not really.

It turns out that just because I read 30+ webcomics a day, it doesn't mean I know crap about web design. So I took a page from the book of Jeffrey Rowland, and used Blogger to create a webpage for my comics. (Jeffrey Rowland is http://www.wigu.com ) Richmond, and you should already know this, is the capital of Virginia. It is a pretty great place to be! I will try to flesh out this claim throughout my comic, Welcome to Richmond. Although the main WTR page is a blog comic, there will soon be other webcomics of a different nature hanging around here. Blue Ink Comic, Sally and the Swamp Thing, Space Pig, and they're all for you! . . . Until I can trick you poor saps into unwittingly buying merchandise of the same "free" comics advertised, slowly draining your life force and wallet through insanely awesome shirts and things. Anyways, WTR should adhere to a 2 comics a week minimum schedule. As of yet, I do not know which days of the week this will actually take place on. Some of the other comics I've promised are easier to draw, (BIC) and some are much harder, (SP) so that schedule will be the same, a promised number of updates each month or week, but no set dates.

Now the part of the blog where I talk coherently is over. After this, most posts will be routinely beamed directly into the computer via the brain, then ended with a loooooooong stream of incoherent gibberish that will secretly alter your brainwaves, making them more susceptible to the sweet, mind numbing embrace of Mother Internet. Also send me money. Pens are expensive. http://clownsquad.org is nice. You should go there maybe?

Fogleyenating.