Sunday, November 13, 2005

Last Days of the Patrianarchy

*Disclaimer: Do not be offended after reading this if you are an XX. The people who should be offended will be notified later on. Happy Egg-Nog Month!

So you lost the will to live even though you have 5 million dollars.

You were dangling upside down from a cloaked helicopter when you began to think. As you sent the gold to your partner, to be melted down and transported across the border, you pondered the meaning of life. You were depressed all through the heist after-part, nursing an expensive red as your partners bragged about their newfound wealth. Food loses it’s flavor, each bite only serving to perpetuate the ties between you and your physical body.

Dial a suicide hotline. A girl named Carol will answer. She’s about your age, and wracked with grief over losing her last caller. You’ll feel an immediate connection, and talk for hours on the phone. Agree to meet at a fancy Chinese place. She orders the shrimp, and you fall in love with her. On the second date you meet at a café, and accidentally tip the waiter with a hundred. She asks about the money. You should avoid answering for another two months, but admit your crimes to her after the police search your home.

She breaks into tears, and confesses to her past as a jewel thief. (She ended it when one of her partners betrayed her to the cops.) She’s been on the run ever since, and joined the suicide hotline to give back to the world. Donate all the money to charity and run off to live together in Brazil.

You'll die of a baboon mauling 20 years later, but be cool about it. They are endangered.

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