Revenge of the Mutant Fruit



*Two updates in two days? I'm on a roll at the expense of all other aspects of my life! Go me! If you don't know what Craisins are, or you're Australian, they are like raisins, except instead of grapes, they use cranberries. From now on, all my food must be a culinary mutant. I'm going to write this down. I wonder what happened to the California Raisins? Maybe they would have been more popular if they hadn't resembled ambulatory mounds of crap that played jazz.

So your boss overheard you.

You’ll be at lunch, talking to your coworkers about your overbearing boss. Someone will do an unflattering impression. You’ll laugh mockingly, and chorus “Totally” with your coworkers. You voice your opinions: he’s brain damaged, a closet case, a ruffian, and possibly a vagabond. As you tell them how moronic the company policy is, they’ll stare over your shoulder, expressions frozen in alarm.

You would normally continue on, without missing a beat, “And he’s standing right behind me.” DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU. Turn around and greet your enraged boss warmly. Invite him to join you for lunch. He will decline stiffly, but press him into it. Tell him about the crepes you brought for everyone. (This is his weakness.) When he sits down, pull out the list of 172 Things Wrong With My Boss that you prepared last night. Whip out the reading glasses, even if you don’t need them, and begin narrating your list, pausing to offer your boss the crepes at number 19. End with a quip involving his mother.

You will get a promotion.